Can You Hear Me Now?

Dear !@$!# Baby,

It has come to my attention that apparently you have ears now and can hear muffled sounds from outside as well as my voice.

lolololol sucks to be you!

Hope you like Eminem and Avenged Sevenfold because I’ve been blasting that shit in the car. I also hope you enjoy the sounds of my screaming insults at Sandra Lee on a regular basis. And the Tebow and Brady contempt. Not to mention the insults I fling in your general direction.

You can hear but not understand, right? That’s what I thought.

I read somewhere – who knows where – that once this milestone hits the future one should “watch your language”, “talk gently to it” and “keep your voice down”. Why? It’ll hear all this shit eventually. It’s not like it’s going to pop out and yell SURPRISE, MOTHERF$%!@#s! in the delivery room. What difference does it make prior to what, the eight month mark? If our kid’s first words are Eminem lyrics, we’re going viral. AWESOME! David Letterman, here we come. (I hate David Letterman.)

This child is going to hear it all at some point anyway, might as well get him used to it from the start.

And if anyone watches Modern Family, I am totally going to be Cam. Little kids cursing is amazing. I won’t be able to stop the giggles.

6 thoughts on “Can You Hear Me Now?

  1. Jackson rocked out to Tool in utero. We do monitor their music though. I don’t need to be pulled into daycare for my son singing Rage Against the Machine to his preschool class. Wes loves to rock to NIN. I cannot wait until I can curse like a normal person again. I drop the F bomb all day long at work to try to use them up.

  2. Probably a good idea. Otherwise that fetus is going to call on you a bait and switch scheme. And it’ll be right.

    Of course, at the first diaper change, you can probably make the same claim.

  3. Dude, get your volumes set. If you get all quiet just because there is a baby, s/he will wake up to the smallest sounds. If you rock out and use an outside voice while inside, baby will sleep through anything. Says the gal who uses a noise machine so I can watch TV on the other side of the baby’s wall.

  4. #3 started road raging and calling other drivers d-bag before he was 2. I had to seriously reform my driving technique! So, as long as you aren’t yelling at it when it gets here you’re probably safe. And I frickin’ love Eminem. The Dudes know this and are excited about the day I let them here the unedited radio version of his works. It’s gonna be a while!

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