!@#$! Baby: On Fingernails

Hey. !@#%@ Mom.

Grow some balls and trim my fingernails. With fingernail trimmers. It’s demeaning to have you bite my nails to shorten them. I mean, come on. I realize my nails are paper $^!# thin and still attached to my skin and the chance of you clipping me is high, but still. Come on. I’m almost a grown ass man. If I had the dexterity I would trim them myself. If I had money and a means of conveyance, I would go get a manicure. But I don’t and I am relying on you. And you’re failing. For %&@!s sake, I heard through the grapevine that you won’t even trim the dog or cat nails.

You’re soooo braaave.

Did you catch that sarcasm?

Don’t even get me started on my toenails. They are weird and crooked and they scratch both of us and you are just ignoring the problem. I don’t CARE if you can’t actually trim them. Find a solution before I draw blood from one of us.

Thanks for nothing,

The !@$@ Baby.


Hey, @!#$%! Baby.

Get your father to do it. I ain’t touching that shit. I’d prefer to not make you bleed. Or, stop flailing and maybe I’ll give it a go.

Love you even though you slice my neck up like Freddie Krueger.


8 thoughts on “!@#$! Baby: On Fingernails

  1. Leah H. says:

    I still haven’t clipped Quinn’s nails either and she scratches the hell out of my neck and chest…and her own face. I bought some clippers a few days ago. They’re still inside the Target bag. The only good time to clip nails is when they’re sleeping. And when I say sleeping, I mean deep, limp limbs sleep.

  2. Leah H. says:

    I should also add that I made Emma bleed once. She let out a little cry in her sleep, but didn’t even wake up. I still cried.

  3. Karlie says:

    Yup, I hate doing it too! It does work best when they’re asleep or deeply engrossed in feeding. I’ve twice nicked her skin and she didn’t even peep. I tried to file hers but they’re way too flimsy and short, so they just bend and don’t file down.

  4. It gets easier, I promise! I just use regular nail clippers. I used to be nervous too but after the first time, you’ll get the hang of it. I’m actually more nervous cutting the cats’ nails, lol.

  5. I had a friend who had a midwife (who had a dog, you get the idea) tell her that biting the nails is a much safer way of getting them short without chopping of a tip. I made EB bleed once and we cried and cried. It took until about a month ago for her to actually let me cut them with nail clippers without throwing a fit and I’m sure it’s related to my earlier mishap. The only way she acquiesces now is if I bribe her by painting them right afterwards.

    I don’t think that technique is going to work for you when little A is a toddler though.

  6. Ummm…I am terrified of clipping Baby L’s nails. In fact, MB and I had a “date night” the other night and while we were gone, I got a text from MB’s sister that said, “Where are the god damned clippers, you wuss?” and we got home and ta-da! No more baby talons! I am screwed when they get long again. And those hand mittens are only acceptable for so long. (Or so I am told. I would probably make her wear them until she started kindergarten if I could.)

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