I Don’t Even Know

Dear !#%@# Baby.

In November, I swelled with hope and pride over the changes that were happening in this country. I was excited about the future and where we were headed as a nation.

But sometimes, Little Boy, LIFE gives us a swift kick in the ass reminder that people can be inherently awful.

Awful isn’t even enough to describe it. Horrendous? Sick? I don’t even know.

I have so much to say about the tragedy that happened in Connecticut, yet even today I’m practically speechless. I put myself on a debate moratorium yesterday out of respect. I understood why people wanted to discuss it, but let’s face it. Today is today and the ugly horrors of the day before still remain. But yesterday was about the kids. The innocents. The precious, the lost, the angels, the always to be remembered.

You are much much much too young to even fathom such horror and for that I am thankful.

I hope this is THE event that spurs change, not just discussion and debate that fizzle out as the coverage wanes.

Do I think there needs to be changes to gun control laws? Absolutely. Do I think that will solve everything? @#%! no. People who want to destroy and are driven by the need to destroy will find a way to destroy with what they can get their hands on. If it’s not guns, it’s bombs. If it’s not bombs, it’s fire. If it’s not fire, it’s anthrax. Shit, it’s anything. And I know this is a unfavorable opinion in most of the circles I run in, but guns aren’t always the enemy. I’m not going to lie, we are sort of a gun friendly family. It’s not like we have them just to have them, we have them in the hopes we never EVER have to use them. And my husband as more than extensive training. And I’ve had my turns at the range even though I get totally nervous. I don’t think a total banning of guns is the answer. Training, safety, more extensive background checks, psychological evals, those things all may help. Changes do need to be made.

But other things need to change. Lots of other things need to change. The access to mental health care is being brought up extensively and there is truth to that as well.Warning signs, obtainable care, again with the psych evals, anything. That’s not the solution, though. Just (hopefully) part of it.

There is no easy answer here. No single thing is going to make these horrendous events stop.

I don’t have the answer. I doubt anyone can.

I’m not even going to dive into the media coverage. The interviewing of kids, the misinformation, the misidentification, the naming of the suspect, it was all too much. MEDIA. PLEASE. While we all want to know the details as fast as possible in order to TRY to wrap our heads around it, we want the correct, verified information. And so many people have said it but I am saying it here too: Stop naming the shooters. They seek notoriety and you are giving it to them.

And I can’t be the only one who wishes these $^#!ers wouldn’t kill themselves after the fact, am I? I want them to suffer somewhere else, in hell on earth, being tortured by a constant slideshow of photos of those they killed. Or like I said on Facebook, I don’t condone suicide, but if killing innocent people – especially CHILDREN – is your plan, holy shit, just kill yourself FIRST.

To say my heart is breaking isn’t nearly enough. I cannot imagine what these families are going through and being a parent new seems to magnify my reaction. Watching the President’s address had me nearly unable to catch my breath. When he finished, I couldn’t take any more and changed the channel. I can’t fathom the emotions the families and the community are wrestling with today. I don’t WANT to. I shouldn’t HAVE to.

You, $^!# Baby, were thankfully oblivious. Smiling, giggling, playing, learning. And when you stared at me in a way you haven’t ever done before, while I was laying next to you on the floor sobbing, I felt like you knew something was going on. I’m totally projecting, but dammit if you didn’t let me snuggle you for a long time without your usual squirms.

I don’t pray. I’m not that type. But shit if I didn’t catch myself doing it several times yesterday and I’m sure that will continue.

I am praying for the families and community of Newtown. I pray for all of us. And @#!%! Baby, I pray for you to grow up in a nation where you only hear about these kinds of tragedies as past events.

And you’ll look up me me and say, “Mom. What the fuck.”

And I won’t even scold you for swearing.

3 thoughts on “I Don’t Even Know

  1. I’ve come to realize that it’s a great and noble parenting wish that your kid finds your generation to be demented and screwed up. It means they’ve got it better. I’m hoping Squatch grows up to think we were all complete idiots.

  2. Kirsten says:

    I would also encourage the media and the authorities to begin to bring to light the role that pharmacuetical drugs are playing in these mass murders. Ritain, Prozac, Zoloft – there is evidence that every mass murder shooting of the past several years is linked to drugs like these. In addition to the gun control, mental health, and overal violence culture debates we are having, how about some study into the very real violent side-effects these drugs are having on society. No one wants to dicsuss that – oh no, because that would “hurt the economy”.

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