Did I Detect a Niner?

Dear Little Dude.

Are you seeing this?! Your mom is almost on time with this on!

You turned nine months like a week and a half ago. And you were almost on time for your well baby visit. YOU’RE WELCOME.

You’ve grown in height, up to 27.5 inches, putting you into the 20th percentile, which is neat. Better than your usual 5-10%, anyway.

Your weight, housed mostly in your cheeks, cranked up to 16lb 110z, which I was proud of, but doc was not so now I get to try and cram more food down your gullet and go back for a recheck in six weeks. Which obviously, makes me only think of: YOU’RE ON THE GRID! EAT!

Thing is, you eat all the fricking time and then don’t stop moving, so clearly the answer is for you to exercise less and nap more.

You’ve still got the murmur, which I keep being told is nothing to worry about.


You don’t really say consonants yet and quite honestly, I never gave it much thought. I read somewhere that infants who do well physically may be slower in picking up the verbal. I read somewhere that babies not in day care or around other children may also be slower in verbal development. I heard anecdotes that supported both theories. And since I stay at home and we don’t leave the house, it all made sense.

Sure, there are afternoons when I wish you would read poetry to me instead of screeching like a pterodactyl, but !@#%! you’re a baby. So I shrugged and you screeched and I didn’t give it further investigation.

I mean, for $@%! sake the cardinal rule of baby rearing is that they all have their own pace, right?!

So imagine my surprise when the pediatrician, who normally looks at me like I’m 93.7% crazy when I ask questions about your development, gave my in-passing “yeah but he doesn’t do this” comment a cause for concern.


All of a sudden I’m being talked to about hearing tests and referrals and speech delays and I don’t know what else.



Dammit all, I’m the world’s worst hypochondriac.

Now I have a referral that includes the phrase “speech delay” and the word “disorder” but I’m supposed to “not worry”. I blame myself, though for what I’m not sure. We watched too much Full House. You’ll never say ice cream right. I made you nap when we should have been learning Portuguese. I didn’t ask you how big you were. (Hint: SOOOO BIG!). I made you practice fake coughing for future use in your scholastic endeavors instead of saying Mama.

Now I give everything you do the side-eye. I analyze every move, wondering if you’re smart or delayed or an idiot or whatever. Regardless, you’re happy, you still make us laugh and you’re cute as shit.

I BROKE YOU. I’M SORRY. I’ll throw away these Harvard brochures and pick up some applications at Burger King.

You’ve got to be better than McDonalds, right? Mama wants a discount on Frozen Cokes.

17 thoughts on “Did I Detect a Niner?

  1. Don’t worry. Things will turn out great. Squatch is in the opposite boat—he’s verbalizing all kinds of shit, but he’s nine months old and still can’t really crawl. He’s also on the bigger side, and we’ve heard tales about bigger kids having trouble doing some of the physical development stuff just because they can’t drag their gigantic asses around.

    Why didn’t anyone tell us this parenting stuff is so stressful?! I’d suggest we start a group for parents flipping their shit over their kids, but I think that group already exists. It’s called WordPress.

  2. I’m not a doctor so you can totally ignore me, but I think your doc is overreacting just a tad. Still go get things checked out, of course. Just try not to freak yourself out too much (I know, I know: not going to happen). Like you said, kids go at their own paces. Everything is going to work itself out 🙂

  3. Karlie says:

    Yeah we had to plump Evie up good and thorough too between her 9 month and 12 month. We started giving her a breakfast of full-fat flavoured yoghurt mixed with baby cereal, and made sure to put butter or olive oil in most of her food. She loves peanut butter too (newest research says it’s OK to give your kids anything but honey from about 8 months on) and it’s nice and fatty. She loves it on rice cakes with bananas!

    I wouldn’t worry a ton about the consonant sounds thing, it could be nothing, it could be a slight tongue tie no one noticed, it could be allergies or a low grade ear infection…all of which are treatable. It’s just easiest to catch problems early, especially if they are related to something physical, so it can be treated right away so they catch up! If it DOES turn out to be something it’s so much easier to catch up earlier rather than later (As it takes longer later).

  4. Joanna says:

    Don’t worry about the words on the referral. They just help you get it covered by insurance when you take him in to be evaluated.

    As for weight, Twinkle weighed less than that at her 9 month appointment on Friday, and she turned 10 months the other day. The doctor was ok with it, though she did suggest introducing yogurt.

  5. Eh, I wouldn’t worry about the speech either, Alex was using consonants at 9 months but wouldn’t even attempt to crawl or get anywhere, just sat around like a lazy butt. To each their own. She’s turning a year now and she is crawling and pulling up like a maniac. I’m sure at his 1 year he’ll be speaking sentences 🙂 It all evens out eventually. But man the screeches are just horrid! I constantly tell Alex to ‘use her words’ – people just laugh at me but i figure it’s never too young to speak at least at the right decibel.

  6. Woah – that “How big is the baby? Soooooooo big!” is a thing?! My mom does that all the time but I thought she somehow made it up. Phew – thanks, grandma.

  7. Yes! Please stay calm! Our baby is the same, highly developed in one sense and lagging behind in others. Just like adults babies can’t be perfect at everything, especially not all at once … look, I’ll simplify this: Your baby is a happy healthy little man, and he is growing and doing things in HIS own time. My mom is always telling me to chill out, and that “Ill see that everything will work out,” and so I’ll tell you. Everything will work out, with babies doctors and specialists just over-worry and take all the precautions in the world because if the don’t they will be accused and sued for negligence. Right? Right. He’s such a beautiful baby boy that you have there. When you’re unsure grab that kid and give him a squidge and you’ll feel better, trust me. I hope you’re able to put all of this to rest quick, stress, sorry MORE stress is just unnecessary. Ok. Take care.

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