Fogo de Ow

To celebrate the upcoming holiday of Love & Stupid Cards, Big A and I have made a reservation at our local Brazilian-style meat house. While some opt for candles and romance, we prefer oodles of meat and cheapish red wine. If you haven’t been to such a place, I highly suggest it. Unless you’re vegetarian, in which case I suggest you read no further.

Five tips from an experienced carnivorous diner:

1. Don’t touch the salad bar. Don’t even look at it. There’s good stuff on it, like cured meats and fancy cheeses. You know I’m being serious when I tell you to stay away from the cheese. SO DON’T BE TEMPTED. If you go to a meat house and eat anything green you’re dead to me. Don’t fill up on useless foliage; that’s dumb.

Sorry folks. Some options may only be available in East African Meat Houses.

2. Don’t drink water. It takes up too much valuable space for meat. And wine. Water is for dogs.

3. Try everything! Even if it seems sketchy, try it anyway. You may not like it, but how often is one presented with 34 different kinds of animal? You may discover that Ostrich and Camel are @#^%! delicious, though I think you have to go outside the US to try those. But they are, indeed, delicious.

4. Except fish. If for some reason you encounter fish, don’t eat that. It’s not meat.

5. Dessert is usually delicious. Because it’s usually flan. And flan is flantastic. Devour at your own risk. Your Belly should say NO but your Sweet Tooth will scream YES and you’ll have the referee the battle. Don’t specifically save room for dessert. Let the meat be your guide.

If you don’t feel like Violet “Blueberry” Beauregard when you leave, you have failed. If you don’t question every decision you’ve ever made, you’ve failed. If you don’t struggle to get in the car, you have failed.

You should feel like this.

The next day meat sweats will be your trophy of awesome. Worth it.