What a Week! From HELLLLL.

It started off being exhausted from a weekend in Chicago filled with too much walking, an epic concert, a sorority reunion and a couple otters. Also an amazingly ludicrous meltdown that had a toddler crying, drooling, spitting, flailing and melting from downtown Chicago to Midway Airport, through the baggage check line, past security and all the way to the gate. So that was a fun ending to the trip. But the flight? Mot@#$!f#@$ angel. At least he gave me that.

Cloud Gate, Chicago

Bean there, done that.

Then I had to/was forced to get rid of my beautiful, fun to drive but totally unnecessary and soon to be too small vehicle because the lease was ending and I never went back to work so it wasn’t exactly an affordable option anymore.

Cadillac SRX Goodbye

The End of the Road. You belonged to me.

And my options became a 1996 Jeep that smelled like feet. Or a 2012 $#%$@!$! pimped out vehicle that had everything we needed. Space, convenience, DVD system, comfort, everything.

Should have been an easy choice to make, right? Until you know that the pimp mobile was hidden in a goddamn minivan.

A $%^@#$@ #%^@#%$@ @#$@#$ MINIVAN.

I cried at the dealership when I said goodbye to the old and again on the way home when I had to drive the new.

Because it’s a minivan. I never wanted to be a minivan mom. Even though it’s so practical I want to vomit. It’s perfect. EXCEPT FOR THOSE LAME ASS SLIDING DOORS.

Lame Van

It’s big. It’s hideous. It screams I’ve given up. And that’s exactly what it means. That’s stinky Feet Jeep next to it.

The week continued when we came home from #lamevan purchase to discover a leaking water heater, rendering us cold for EIGHT DAYS because the warranty company ordered the wrong one and we’re at the mercy of property management and the only silver lining is that as renters we had to pay exactly zero dollars for it.

Living like the Ingalls for a week and boiling water for dishes and baths is not exactly on my list of recommendations.

Not enough for a bath, trust me.

Kid was acting his age all week and I just couldn’t. So I didn’t. Which made me feel like a failure. Which made me anxious. Which made me feel more exhausted. Which made me wonder how I’m ever going to make it with two. Which made me feel worse. And I gave up all over again. A couple deep breaths, some early bed times and lots of sugar are slowly making everything feel okay again.

I have to pay a speeding ticket I got in 2003 which I thought I had paid in 2008 but apparently didn’t because there’s no record of it and instead of continuing to avoid the issue because lolololol I’m not a resident of that state and never have been anyway, I now NEED to pay it because in a turn of events I’m going to have to be a resident of that state now and there’s $200 down the drain for going 8 mph over limit coming home from doing laundry and watching Degrassi: TNG at a friends house my senior year of college.

In truth, it really wasn’t that bad. But all smushed together in a span of a few days, holy shit did I feel drained. There were a few good moments, too. I had a great appointment and baby and I are doing obnoxiously fine. We got to see two of our fab friends in a quick visit while they were in town and take the kid swimming in the “BIG POOL!”. I received super wonderful maternity photos that my best friend took in Chicago but my bad mood tainted my view of them and I felt like a Momzilla. I’ll post more when I feel better about myself.


Photo by Melissa McClure Photography

Yeah, it’s the same dress. I didn’t know I was going to post all these pics together when I styled myself for two different days. I also refuse to buy new clothes and this is like, the ONE purchase I’ve made. Sue me.

I’m gonna go take the longest, hottest shower ever now that the heater has been heating for a little over for the recommended hour and I’m gonna wash this funky smell away and wash the dumb away and soak the fail away. And later tonight I’m gonna scrub the almost-three year old attitude off of stinky, sticky, slightly slimy kid and take some more deep breaths, a whiff of bourbon and start the weekend off so fresh and so clean.

Take this opportunity to hug your water heater, people. It's amazing.

Take this opportunity to hug your water heater, people. It’s amazing.

Also hoping this rant gets me back in the groove so I can fill you in on all the other crazy shit that’s been happening in the Expletive House!

Have a better weekend than I had week and drink one (or several) in my honor. Because I needed them. And you probably do too after reading this shizz.

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