You can call me AM. I’m pregnant. I’m 30 (god that seems old, all written out and shit) and have been married to Big A for six years. We always knew we wanted kids and he was ready six years ago. I’ve held him off this long and I’m not getting any readier.
So here we are. But honestly? Babies freak me the $%# out, looking like little crazy translucent skinned aliens and whatnot. I haven’t changed a diaper since I took a babysitting class when I was nine. And I changed a Cabbage Patch doll. When I babysat for real, I colored and ate cookies while my cousin did the dirty work. I think kids can start to be cute after their second birthday.
I will be holding a grudge against it for years to come. My favorite things in life? Beer, Coffee, Bourbon, Ham, Cookie Dough. I CAN’T HAVE ANY OF THESE THINGS. #$%@ you, Baby. I don’t look at babies and go “Awwwww!” I look at babies and go “Ugh.” Luckily, Big A fricking loves babies, so at least we’ve got that going for us.
There is no doubt I will love it unconditionally, but I can’t promise I’ll think it’s A-DOR-A-BLE. Who knows, maybe this thing will pop out with a Tyra Banks forehead and a third eye and I’ll still turn into goo and love and tell people it’s the most precious thing EVER. But until that day comes, this thing is a squatter stealing my vitamins and energy.
Questions? Comments? Concerns? Ideas? Want to insult me privately? Go ahead, I dare you: dear.expletive.baby@gmail.com
Progress Photos:
Dear #$&!% Baby 
OK, that was hilarious and awesome 😀 I’m glad you found my blog because now I know about yours! Hooray for being 30 and freaked out about the body-snatchers (AKA babies)!
Love your writing style! I’ll be keeping up with you. Thanks for stopping by my little ol’ page as well.
Kids can be pretty funny so be prepared for a magnetic pull of cuteness for your own kid. And you will feel the need to tell EVERYONE about how amazing your kid’s poop is or something. Nice people will just nod and smile.
Love this! So excited to follow your journey.
Because I like you and your blog, I have included you in my list of Versatile Blogging Award recipients. Please accept your award and all of the obvious accolades at:
http://illsleepwhentheyregrown.wordpress.com/2011/12/26/i-love-awards-and-sharing-them-too/
I love your honesty! I swore off babies forever. Had one when I was 29, he is five now, and I love him to death, but one is enough for me!! Before him I felt the same way, never changed a diaper, and didn’t like babies, don’t think I’ve ever even held one before that!! Look forward to your posts!!
Are you saying a Tyra Banks sized forehead is bad? I have one of those and my mother still says I’m pretty.
Moms have to say those things…;) I’m so calling you fivehead from now on.
I have the same feelings. I hate babies, husband loves them. I made him wait for 2 years and now I’m 5 weeks pregnant, scared, and frightened that I might not love my own baby.
Duuuuuude. You are hilarious. So glad to have stumbled across your blog, which I will now be stalking like a creeper. 🙂
I find your blog hilarious and have nominated you for a Liebstar award…http://growingittybitty.wordpress.com/2012/12/05/liebster-blog-award/ Keep on writing!
Thanks, man! 🙂
😀
Hey, I like what you have going on here! Thanks for the follow. Looks like Emily and Jell Jell found there way over here, too. So basically, if I might be so bold, you have awesome taste in blogging friends. I’ll be seeing you around.
Lisa
Hi. AM.
My name is Kevin Gillespie. I do, MUCH prefer to be called Kev however. :).
I live in Wales, & am now ‘Following’ your Blog.. :).
Two other points :
1, Oh to be thirty again, if only just for the age.
2 Thank GOD that I am Male. If I was prevented from drinking Coffee, that person, would, without question, have ‘a death wish’.
You got awards!
http://dearcrazykids.wordpress.com/2013/09/12/dear-kids-i-got-awards/
More awards! Because, why not?: http://dearcrazykids.wordpress.com/2013/11/27/blog-of-the-year-2013-award/