99 days…OF FEAR

Dear ^@$~ Baby,

I was informed by The Bump yesterday that you only have 100 days left to incubate. Which means today, if my math is correct, you have 99. NINETY NINE. NINETY-FU@%$^G-NINE. That’s double digits, man. DOUBLE FU%&@!G DIGITS!

That’s double f^#&!$g terrifying is what that is.

How has this possibly gone that fast already? That I have less than 100 days to go? Apparently this 100 day thing is an actual “thing” now and kids even celebrate it at school. But that’s days accomplished not days to go and quite frankly, I don’t get it. We never celebrated being in school for 100 days. All we celebrated in grade school: the bell signaling Christmas Vacation, Valentine’s Day, Field Day and the one day a year we got to walk to Silver Lake and go down that stinky rusty metal swirly slide. Oh, and one year they celebrated birthdays by the month and you got to leave class to enjoy a bag of popcorn in the music room. And you got a pencil. A PENCIL. Not even a mechanical one. So get ready kid, apparently you get to celebrate a lot more in school than we ever did.

Anyway. I digress.

I feel like I should have an advent calendar for this shit now. Each day would provide me with a piece of candy and a childcare tip. Because I don’t know any of those tips. And I like candy. And I should probably learn something before you arrive. Because, while I may curse at you, Little 2$%#! Baby, I don’t want to damage you.

I’ve got 99 days to learn some baby things. AAAAAAND BREAK!




Endnote: I tried really hard to make a Jay-Z “99 Problems” reference but I just wasn’t feeling it. I am disappointed in myself enough for all of us.