I CRAFTED, BITCHES.
It started with Little A becoming obsessed with and batting Christmas trees over Thanksgiving and breaking a (luckily unimportant) ornament at his great-grandparents house. Then it was becoming obsessed with and batting our tree and being unresponsive, AS PER USUAL, to the word no. I needed a solution.
Enter Pinterest, that demon spawn. 
I saw this pin for a felt Christmas tree after a friend pinned it. I thought, “Oh, that’s cute! Maybe that will work as a distraction!” And then I was all, “Oh god, then I’d have to velcro on all of the ornaments and then he’ll scratch his face and nope not worth it.” But then, THEN, I actually read the blog that the pin linked to and discovered that felt…wait for it..are you ready for this…sticks to felt.
FELT STICKS TO ITSELF WHAT THE FUCK THAT’S AWESOME HOW DID I NEVER KNOW THAT?!
So I drove to Wal-Mullet for felt because I needed milk too, then went to Michael’s for the big green piece of felt because Wal-Mullet sucks and in 30 minutes I had a goddamn Feltivus tree.
I opted not to make a felt aluminum pole. Not enough area to stick felt grievances.
Little A sort of plays with it. It does not provide the “hours of entertainment” the original link promised. BUT that was a girl, Little A is a mini-man of ultimate destruction so my hopes may have been a little high. He does occasionally randomly play with it on his own and he’ll put the ornaments on if you hand them to him one by one.
Then he tears them all down and tries to pull the tree off of the door.
But seriously, this is the easiest craft in crafting history and you should probably make one.
Directions if you’re inept and/or crafting stupid:
Scissors
Felt
Hot Glue if you’re feeling feisty
3M Command Strips
Cut a large piece of green felt into a triangle or a real pine shape if you’re a show-off. Cut smaller ornaments out of felt. Decorate smaller ornaments with other shit with hot glue if you’re so inclined.
Slap that bitch on the wall with some Command Strips. If you have a boy child, secure all loose edges with double stick tape for extra support.
Total time: 30 minutes.
Total cost: $7, plus lots of extra felt you’ll have sitting around forever
Moments like when the kid sticks all the ornaments on Dad and your cold little heart melts?
#@%!^%! priceless.
Decorating Dad 101
Dear #$&!% Baby 