The Old Man and the (Pregnan)Sea

GET IT?! I crack myself up.

For the past decade, I’ve believed I was a 80-something year old man trapped in a female body. Starting in college, I became hooked on Tums and then later, Zantac. I have a beer belly. I have strokes. Okay, so they are really migraines, but the first 30 minutes of my migraines are signature stroke signs – droopy face, loss of sight, loss of speech, numbness in limbs, etc – so it counts.

And the biggest old man tendency of all? My favorite cocktail is a Manhattan. Which is apparently an old man drink, judging from reactions I continuously get from friends, acquaintances and bartenders. And I suppose it sort of makes sense because I am 89% sure my love of Manhattans started at grade school age, when my Dad and Grandpa would both give me the bourbon-soaked cherries from bottoms of their consumed Manhattans.

But lest I ruin my computer with drool because I would kill for bourbon right now, enough about that.

So, I have an inner old man who has strokes and wicked heartburn and enjoys bourbon-based cocktails. And while I thought nothing could bring him out further, I was mistaken. Pregnancy has awakened the old beast.

I have to pee all the time. All. the. time. I gazed longingly at a pack of Depends the other day, thinking maybe that crazy astronaut who wore diapers on that road trip to confront her lover or whatever was more brilliant than nuts.

Artist Depiction of me in the morning. With added sea hat.

Mornings are stiff. Now, get your minds out of the gutters because I am talking about my back. As I hobble to the bathroom to pee for the 10th time of the night I find myself wishing for a cane or a walker.

I chug Metamucil every night before bed. Fiber supplements aren’t just for the elderly, my friends. But truthfully? This is one habit I will continue postpartum. This shit is awesome…pun partially intended.

My driving skills have become less than aggressive. While I have been trying to keep my foot from being its usual leaden self, because at some point I am going to have to drive a little more conservatively with a tiny being in the backseat, I have also caught myself zoning out and doing a leisurely Sunday driver 30 MPH down the 50 MPH road. Which is the exact thing that gives me road rage on an almost-daily basis. Whoops.

I have a new love for Preparation H. I’ll leave that at just that.

I am ridiculously grumpy. Now, some people may say that is a standard feature of me, but I am seriously curmudgeonly. Everything is irritating, I want to punch everything in the face and everything is young and vibrant and douchey. I yelled at some birds to get the f%^@ out of my tree, for ^&#!s sake. This is possibly working out to my advantage, though, as my mean mugging stops the stranger danger interactions so many pregnant ladies complain about. Random stranger advice? Random stranger belly touching? Random stranger questions? None of the above.

At least I don’t have a beard. Or ear hair. Yet.

His Favorite Things

Fresh cut pineapple and beef chimichangas
Orange purring kittens and large hot fudge sundaes
Bass lines that blast through the Caddy speakers
These are a few of his favorite things

Skyping with Big A and afternoon nap times
Big chocolate muffins and icy Cherry Cokes
Spicy hot peppers that fire up the mouth
These are a few of his favorite things

Soft sugar cookies and Fruit by the Foots
Hazelnut lattes and cereal heaps
Brown paper packages from Amazon
These are a few of his favorite things

When the back aches
When the heart burns
When I’m  feeling sad
I simply devour your favorite things
and then we don’t feel sooo baaaad

Maria had it way easier. At least her favorite things conveniently rhymed. And her favorite things didn’t cause violent kicking within her loins while she enjoyed them. Or maybe they did. Maybe there was a bastard Von Trapp. THE UNTOLD STORY. All the things I listed cause Little @!#$& to go all kinds of batshit crazy and slay me with his octopus limbs. And his favorite things are are way cooler than wild geese that fly or copper kettles.

And the Amazon shipments are probably considered my favorite things.

Not my greatest parody song ever, but you’re welcome for the earworm. Suckers.