His Favorite Things

Fresh cut pineapple and beef chimichangas
Orange purring kittens and large hot fudge sundaes
Bass lines that blast through the Caddy speakers
These are a few of his favorite things

Skyping with Big A and afternoon nap times
Big chocolate muffins and icy Cherry Cokes
Spicy hot peppers that fire up the mouth
These are a few of his favorite things

Soft sugar cookies and Fruit by the Foots
Hazelnut lattes and cereal heaps
Brown paper packages from Amazon
These are a few of his favorite things

When the back aches
When the heart burns
When I’m  feeling sad
I simply devour your favorite things
and then we don’t feel sooo baaaad

Maria had it way easier. At least her favorite things conveniently rhymed. And her favorite things didn’t cause violent kicking within her loins while she enjoyed them. Or maybe they did. Maybe there was a bastard Von Trapp. THE UNTOLD STORY. All the things I listed cause Little @!#$& to go all kinds of batshit crazy and slay me with his octopus limbs. And his favorite things are are way cooler than wild geese that fly or copper kettles.

And the Amazon shipments are probably considered my favorite things.

Not my greatest parody song ever, but you’re welcome for the earworm. Suckers.


Taco Flavored Kisses

Dear @#%! Baby.

You apparently really dig Mexican food. While I haven’t had any super intense gotta-have-it-now cravings that are out of the ordinary for me (yet), you have made me go all Pavlov’s Dog for south of the border cuisine.

And not the good stuff, either. Has anyone in the history of anything ever salivated over !@%$@ Hamburger Helper? No. Hell no. Except I totally did the other night. Salt packet of “flavor”, hamburger, rice and fake cheese sauce? I couldn’t shovel it in fast enough. And the night we ate Taco Bell? I thought I was going to have to wipe the drool from my chin as I lifted the F-Grade Beef Taco to my facehole. I’m having serious mouth-watering moments here. I can’t think of another time my mouth actually watered. I didn’t know it was a real thing! I thought it was just like, I don’t know, a metaphor or a turn of phrase or something and that Pavlov was just full of shit and after all, he was testing a canine.

But nope. Apparently the visual and smell of Mexican food causes me to go all Homer Simpson now. Nachos for everyone!

mmm. nachos.