I’ve been writing this post in my head for 364 days. I’ve been writing it in many forms but every time I sit down to actually write it, nothing comes. It started with no intro, it started with Dear #$!#$ Baby, it started with Dear Daver. One for me, one for the kid to learn about his uncle, one for my brother. It was a timeline of events of the week. It was a description of who he was. It was an introspective of how I handled (or didn’t handle) the grief I was left with.
While I think all those things still need to be written, I feel like this just needs to be a reflection of the past year. And someday I’ll muster up the courage to tell the whole lot of stories that need to be told. Even with that being said, I’m finding it hard to find the words to say the things I’m not sure to say.
I just cannot figure out how to say what’s in my heart and been rolling in my head since February 24, 2013.
I’ve started and restarted and been distracted and poured a drink and deleted and began again. Repeat.
I didn’t look inside.
It hit me like a wrecking ball. Innocently straightening the cookbook shelves and I find it. An unassuming greeting card with concentric circles on the front. Red and blue. No writing. No cartoons, no funny quips. And it meant everything.
I was given this card at Christmas a few years ago. It was the carrier for a gift card. I think. I don’t totally remember. I was touched by the single sentence written on the inside, a sentiment not often heard from my brother but truly heartfelt. I saved it; it was special. Last month, that card became a memento that I knew I could never leave behind.
Small issue, though. I had no idea WHERE it was.
I knew it was somewhere in my house. I had come across it not that long ago. I had seen the corner peeking out from somewhere, and my heart warmed, and I meant to shoot him a text. And then life got in the way. The card was buried, the text never got sent.
I knew I had to find it. But last week, I was not actively seeking it. Not yet. So I was unprepared to find it.
While I was home last month, I thought about this card more than once. It helped me get over some jealousy issues I was having. Yeah, you read that right. Home to say goodbye to my brother and I was jealous. Jealous of the relationships everyone else seemed to have with him. How he helped them. How often they got to spend time with him. All the things they knew about him. It left me feeling like I hardly knew him.
Then I remembered that damn card. And the one sentence that could make me feel better about MY relationship with him. However jealous I could get, I was his sister. His only sister. The only one he could have. And I’m sure many envied me for that. I would’ve. I still would.
I always will.
I found it. I had to sit when it knocked the wind out of me. I stared at it and I cried and I abandoned the rest of the cleaning. But I found it. I know where it is. I will always have it. Treasure it. Keep it safe. I’ll open it again one day.
One day. But not today.
Although, maybe it still has a gift card inside…