*Taps Microphone* Is This Thing Still On?

Somewhere in Wisconsin, happy to be out of the car.

Somewhere in Wisconsin, chilling at a rest area, happy to be out of the car.

What’s up, @!$#%heads!

Did ya miss me? I thought so.

I missed you.

I’ve been busy. Too busy. Exhaustingly busy.

Since you last saw me, I drove over 2700 miles in four legs, spent over 40 hours in that car with a baby (24 hours of which also included another passenger and an 85 pound dog), saw family, visited friends, participated in a blogger roundtable thing which I am still totally flattered by my inclusion in, played bingo, drank beer, lost a rib cook off, got my hair all colored and chopped up, ate a shit ton of cake, celebrated the @!$# Baby’s 1st birthday for a second time, found $86 of childhood change which became a ticket to Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake where I consumed more beer, painted 75% of my bedroom and failed to buy enough paint to cover the rest.


Since you last heard about the kid, he officially became a walker, eats pretty much whatever I eat including real meat, not just meatballs, decided he loves ice cream and yesterday, learned to clap instead of making fists when I would try to show him how.

It’s been a pretty epic three weeks. Or four weeks. I don’t even know.

Hopefully the blogs that I intended to write while on this vacation adventure will someday appear. But for right now, they are buried in the gallon of paint that I have to buy today.

If I missed any important posts of yours, link me up! I read a few posts here and there but I know I probably missed a lot, which I totally dislike.

Let’s get back to normal around here, shall we?! Well, as normal as it can be, at least.

Abandonment Issues

I’m having a problem.

Big A and I are headed to Vegas soon. And we love Vegas. LOVE. We’ve been four times together. I’ve been three other times without  him.

Fake Bride for a Fake Wedding.

Two Spring Breaks. My 21st Birthday. His “goodbye” trip before he enlisted. We “pretend” got married Valentine’s Day 2011 to see if we could get free shit (we didn’t). We know how to celebrate. We %$&@# love this place.

This trip, though? Mehhhhhhh.

I already left the kid behind once, in September when we went to Pittsburgh for a Steelers game. But that wasn’t even two days. And I felt bad, but the kid wasn’t really doing much yet and I wasn’t concerned.

But this trip is longer.

And the kid? HE DOES STUFF NOW! I feel like in the days we’re gone, he’s going to roll over to his stomach (totally possible), say a “word” (slightly possible), sit up by himself (probably not possible) or start walking on his own (totally not possible).

He learns something new every day. Interacts a little more. Makes a new noise. Makes crazy faces.


I can’t even get behind the mommy-needs-a-break mindset because I really don’t. I like my “job” and I don’t need a day off yet.

And I’m not nervous about leaving him with someone else; he’ll be in good hands.

It doesn’t help that the trip snuck up on me and I never got my lazy ass to stop watching Full House long enough to go running so I didn’t lose ten pounds and I have nothing to wear.

I’m trying not to freak out.

I just don’t want someone else giving him a bath. Is that weird? That’s weird, isn’t it. And I probably shouldn’t ask her to not bathe him for the duration.

Absolute rule, though? NO NEW FOODS. Under no @!$%! circumstance will I miss anything like Bananagate.

At least we will be busy enough (read: drunk) that I probably (hopefully) won’t think about it too much.



Kenya !@#% Believe It?

Fact: Below is one of the first posts I drafted when I started this blog almost 11 months ago. ELEVEN MONTHS AGO. And it sat in the draft pile week after week after week because sorting through 1500 pictures just seemed like too big of a chore. And then it got to the point where I forgot. And then it got to the point where if I waited a few more weeks, it would fall on the year anniversary of the trip. So here we are.

A year ago this week, I came back from the GREATEST vacation I’ve ever been on. GREATEST. EVER. I wrote a travel pamphlet in like fifth grade on Kenya and since then, I wanted to go to there. Never in my wildest dreams did I actually think it would happen. But it did. And I loved it more than I could have imagined and I am beyond thankful for the opportunity.

The country and the people and the atmosphere touched me in a way that still moves me. I felt incredibly homesick in the days after I got back home and I still get that pang. I’m not a stranger to homesickness – I grew up in Minnesota and every time I visit I still get teary when I leave, especially if I am flying. It was the only place I would cry over. Until last year. I was practically sobbing as the plane took off from Nairobi. I felt like a fool but I couldn’t help it. I felt like I was leaving a part of myself behind.

Little did I know I was bringing part of it home with me. And really, what were the %^@!$ odds of THAT.

Below is the original post, finally with photos.

Dear @#$* Baby,

You don’t need to know the how. You’ll learn that from TV eventually. But you should know the where. Because the where is awesome and you need to embrace your “roots”.

We made you in Nairobi, Kenya while on an epic vacation. The doctor is dating you a week later because apparently that’s how you measured at Week 13*. But I’m not the Virgin Mary and you’re definitely not Immaculate and Big A was 7000 miles away since we didn’t travel home together, so that’s a load of crap. We know the truth. Anyway, you’ve already been on safari, climbed a volcano and flown over the Atlantic. I wonder if I can claim extra air miles. I hope you’re grateful. It took me 30 years to get to Africa and you’ve already been there.

*Yep, I have had this draft written since Week 13.  It has seen more than its fair share of edits.

Check out some of the shit you were a part of…

Held a Baby Crocodile

Fed a Baby Giraffe

Saw Orphan Baby Elephants

Saw Amazing Scenes Straight Out of Lion King

Rode an Ostrich. And then ate one.

Saw Lion Cubs Wrestle

Climbed a Volcano

You also sort of helped fed a monkey and pet a baby cheetah but I can’t find the videos of those things.

We’re sort of hoping you come out half African, just so you know. And a terrific runner.

You also probably sucked in nutrients from a lot of Tusker beer (which may or may not contain formaldehyde) and smoke from several hookahs. Sorry about that. Earlier this year, we were debating how I could fly out and you could be born there, because how awesome would dual citizenship be? But we figured the 16 hours worth of flights may not be the most rational thing to do so late in the game.

But we’ll get you back there, someday. If not for you, for me, because for whatever reason, my week in Kenya causes me to be homesick for it and I miss it terribly. But at least you’ll be an everlasting souvenir.