Feltivus for the Rest of Us

I CRAFTED, BITCHES.

It started with Little A becoming obsessed with and batting Christmas trees over Thanksgiving and breaking a (luckily unimportant) ornament at his great-grandparents house. Then it was becoming obsessed with and batting our tree and being unresponsive, AS PER USUAL, to the word no. I needed a solution.

Enter Pinterest, that demon spawn. 

I saw this pin for a felt Christmas tree after a friend pinned it. I thought, “Oh, that’s cute! Maybe that will work as a distraction!” And then I was all, “Oh god, then I’d have to velcro on all of the ornaments and then he’ll scratch his face and nope not worth it.”  But then, THEN, I actually read the blog that the pin linked to and discovered that felt…wait for it..are you ready for this…sticks to felt.

FELT STICKS TO ITSELF WHAT THE FUCK THAT’S AWESOME HOW DID I NEVER KNOW THAT?!

So I drove to Wal-Mullet for felt because I needed milk too, then went to Michael’s for the big green piece of felt because Wal-Mullet sucks and in 30 minutes I had a goddamn Feltivus tree.

I opted not to make a felt aluminum pole. Not enough area to stick felt grievances.

Little A sort of plays with it. It does not provide the “hours of entertainment” the original link promised. BUT that was a girl, Little A is a mini-man of ultimate destruction so my hopes may have been a little high. He does occasionally randomly play with it on his own and he’ll put the ornaments on if you hand them to him one by one.

Then he tears them all down and tries to pull the tree off of the door.

But seriously, this is the easiest craft in crafting history and you should probably make one.

Directions if you’re inept and/or crafting stupid:

Scissors
Felt
Hot Glue if you’re feeling feisty
3M Command Strips

Cut a large piece of green felt into a triangle or a real pine shape if you’re a show-off. Cut smaller ornaments out of felt. Decorate smaller ornaments with other shit with hot glue if you’re so inclined.

Slap that bitch on the wall with some Command Strips. If you have a boy child, secure all loose edges with double stick tape for extra support.

Total time: 30 minutes.
Total cost: $7, plus lots of extra felt you’ll have sitting around forever

Moments like when the kid sticks all the ornaments on Dad and your cold little heart melts?

#@%!^%! priceless.

Decorating Dad 101

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Photo Friday: A Year in Sandwiches

It is no secret that I am crazy obsessed with Jimmy John’s sandwiches. When I was working, I would go more than once a week. I was the mayor on Foursquare for a good long stretch, for $%#!s sake! Even pregnant I was going once a week; nitrates be damned. I can pinpoint who started my obsession and I can name at least ten people whom I have passed the joy on to.

Pinterest has plenty of “ideas” for monthly photo shoots, of course. Though they tend to be overdone and/or overly complicated. OF COURSE.

So that explains the following.

And full disclosure: I was not sponsored or paid or reimbursed or anything. Though I wouldn’t turn it down retroactively. (wink)

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Things I’ve Learned from Pinterest

Pinterest is…really something. There are a few awesome things. There are a few things that will make you go hmmm. But then there are atrocious things that should have never seen the light of day and the person responsible for them should be locked in a basement and given lotion in a basket made of an old t-shirt.

In Lieu of Cupcakes and Friends – Send these monstrosities to school with your poor kid.

Here is what I know thanks to dedicated pinners:

Everyone is getting married. EVERYONE.

People like things in jars. Cookies in jars, candles in jars, soup in jars, cottage cheese in jars, flowers in jars, DVDs in jars. You $^!%ing name it, you %&#! put it in a jar. And then Pin It.

People like alcohol soaked items. Like gummy bears. Or strawberries. Or more alcohol. Actually, Pinners just @$^@ love to imbibe. Period.

People like all things red velvet. ALL THINGS. I’m not even going to expound on this one further, because I already have and I fear tossing my cookies. THAT ARE NOT RED VELVET.

This pin led me to create a board entitled: OH GOD, THE HORROR.

Everyone thinks they are Martha Stewart. EVERYONE. Newsflash: NO.

People like cheese. You could take anything and cover it in cheese and people would pin it. Twigs? Bark? Tires? Cover them in cheese! FIBER! CHEESE! FIVE BILLION PINNERS AGREE!

People like buffalo chicken but ONLY when it isn’t actually buffalo chicken. Wraps, casseroles, pancakes. Buffalo. I have yet to see an actual wing recipe, but I’ve seen every variation on the damn flavor.

Everyone loves cake (and therefore everything Cake Batter flavored), yet…

Everyone is on a diet.

WTF IS DUMP CAKE AND WHY DOES EVERYONE GO SHIT BALLS CRAZY FOR IT?? See Also: Garbage Bread. Filed under things with unfortunate monikers.

I just…I don’t know. I’ve gotten a few decent ideas, but man. Sometimes I question the future of humanity with the pins I see. There should be a rule that if you pin it, you should have to do it. I would love to see ALL THE RESULTS of that. Mine included.

Now spill it – what have you learned from Pinterest? Anything I should add to my board of horrors?